My Superhero

When I was two years old, my father passed away. I have no concert memory of my father, but I love and miss him dearly. I want my daddy to be in my life so badly, and I know I can never have that. When I was young, I always imagined that my father would save me, would be my superhero. My daddy would have chased away all the monsters and held me when I cried. He would have told me sweet fairy tales and sung me to sleep at night. He would have loved me, no matter how much I screwed up. My daddy, my daddy would have been my superhero. No one could have harmed me if my daddy would have been there……

But you see, he wasn’t. Cancer claimed his life when I was just a small child, too young to remember her superhero. When he died, I was left at the mercy of others. Broken and fatherless, I carried on, barely. I hurt so much, not just because of my father’s death, but of many things; however, I believe that a lot of those things would not have happened had my father lived. As a kid, I would draw a smiley face in the dirt and pretend I was talking to him…..anything to escape reality. Pain, derived from his death and many other things, racked my childhood life. I lost a lot as a kid and really didn’t have anyone to help me deal with it. I retreated inside myself in a stone dark depression in my teens with no superhero to save me from the darkness…or so I thought.

On October 2nd of 2012, I met a real life superhero. I met my heavenly FATHER that day, who sent HIS SON to die for me. My FATHER now, chases all the monsters away, holds me when I cry, and tells me everything is going to be alright. I am no longer broken and fatherless; I am whole, and I have a FATHER who loves me unconditionally. Who wipes away my tears even though I sentenced HIM to die on the cross. That, my dear friends, is love. I no longer have to draw a face and pretend my father is listening because HE always hears my pleads; HE always hears my cries. My GOD is not dead!!! For HE lives inside my heart! I have been saved, not from my mother, but from the fiery pits of hell. My GOD is my superhero, my real live superhero!! 

I Just…..Can’t

I know what you are thinking, the never tiring statement “Can’t never could” But you don’t know me. Don’t act like you do. I can almost guarantee that you don’t. There are somethings I just can’t do. Not that I won’t do, but I cannot do. As in, I do not possess the ability to do. 

I am the stereotypical college student. I have next to zero money, and very little leisure time (which is somewhat of a good thing because then I don’t have to reflect on how little money I have). Thus, I cannot “go out” on any given weekend. Instead, I must save in order to ensure I can pay next semester’s term bill, which will be considerably higher than this semester’s. Does this fact make me feel insignificant? By no means does it. And this little fun fact is not the reason I am writing this post.

As stated, I am a college student. Thus, I am a college aged person *surprised gasp*. Seriously though, I am a young adult supposedly in the prime of my life….or so I am told. In truth, my body hurts like an elderly person’s body. This is what so few actually know about me. Even though I am in pain almost constantly, I make it a point to hide the fact. I have arthritis in my left hip from a fall off of my horse three years ago. I try so hard not to limp, or to grunt and groan when I have to get up. Paint on a smile and bear it. I even try not to complain. Usually only one (or two) people even know I am in pain to begin with. I don’t broadcast it, just stay silent.

This is why, my friends, there are things that I just simply cannot do. In my youth, I enjoyed riding my horse (yes, the same one I fell off of). Just before the fall, I had gotten to the point that I quit even using a saddle. I rode bareback as long as I wasn’t at a show. It was those moments when it was just Pepper and I in the fields that I truly felt at peace (This was before I met JESUS and knew the everlasting peace HE brings). The fall ruined everything. To start with, it was nothing. A little pain, sometimes my hip would cramp up, but nothing I couldn’t handle. It gradually got worse, and before I knew it, I was grounded. Off my horse. I cannot ride anymore. Well, rephrase that, I can ride, but then I can barely walk the next day. Generally, unless I know one hundred percent that I will not be doing anything the next day, I don’t ride. I’ve given up my love. I talk about my horse nearly 24/7. People naturally assume I still ride. When asked after I returned to school from break if I rode my horse, I simply said no. Offered no explanation. Not that I really wanted to. When asked why, I simply responded that I didn’t get around to it. I know those that asked knew I was holding something back, but I didn’t want to go into more detail. 

It breaks my heart that I just can’t. That I can’t walk outside in the cold without gritting my teeth. That I can’t enjoy the ride like I used to. That I must take the elevator instead of the stairs. You see…..I just can’t. But that’s the problem with this entire post. It’s all about me. Earlier I mentioned that all of this occurred before I met JESUS. Now let me tell you what has happened since I have met JESUS. I am still in pain. In fact, it seems to be getting worse, but I don’t walk alone. I walk with JESUS. On days that I have such a hard time getting out of bed, I humbly ask that JESUS help me up, that I cannot afford a day to stick to bed rest. Then does the pain go away, no it doesn’t, but I have a new found strength to continue. I have a rock to stand on when all other ground is sinking sand. I have hurt so much for so long, but JESUS has given me hope that it won’t be this way for long. That soon, HE is coming to get HIS people, and soon pain will no longer exist in this world. SOON, I will be free from every attempt satan has made to get me to stay down. satan doesn’t know who he’s dealing with, he’s got a girl that’s more stubborn than a mule, and a GOD that has already won the battle. The fight for victory is over for those that are saved. For us, we fight from victory, the victory over death which JESUS conquered the day he rose from the dead. 

 

THERE’S VICTORY IN JESUS!!! MY SAVIOR FOREVER!!! 

Good Enough??

It’s funny. I grew up thinking that I had to be perfect, that I just had to be everything everyone expected of me. My teachers wanted me to be smart…..I tried to be smart. My family wanted a strong back to help out, I tried to be that too. My mom wanted me to win beauty contests, so, as a young girl, I flaunted on stage to try to win. The thing is, I usually just didn’t. I wasn’t the girl that everyone wanted me to be. I wasn’t the most intelligent in the class. I wasn’t the most beautiful girl on the stage. I wasn’t physically the strongest. I’ve never been the best. But I have always been expected to be. With the family I grew up with, to be less than the absolute best just wasn’t an option. I spent my childhood thinking that I just wasn’t enough. That no matter what, I was always going to be less than. I’ve always told people that it doesn’t matter what others think/say about me. That I just didn’t care….but deep down, I did. I always have. I’ve yearned for someone to hug me and say “Bri, I love you for you, not because you are perfect, but because you are you.” As a child, I didn’t have that. I didn’t have the love and affection I’ve seen others have. All I received was that I just wasn’t good enough. I believed the lie that if I became the person they wanted me to be, then I would be loved. But no matter how hard I worked on the farm, something always went wrong. No matter how big I smiled and strutted, I was rarely chosen as the winner, always runner up. No matter how much I studied, I was always a few points short of the smartest. I am not one to give up…….all I wanted was to be good enough.

But what is good enough? Without the less intelligent, we can’t have the most intelligent. If it wasn’t for less, we couldn’t have more. No one is more than another, yet society makes us believe that we are. Society makes us believe that if you can’t speak 7 different languages and don’t have a PhD in some crazy field, then you are, essentially, nothing. I am no more than you my fellow person, and you are no more than me.

Maybe I am not good enough for my family. Maybe I am not good enough for anyone. But guess what, I am good enough for me. I am so far from perfect I can’t even see it in my rear-view mirror, but I don’t have to be perfect to be good enough. Too tall, too short, too fat, too thin. I am sick of listening to the lies others tell me I am. I am me. Not who you say I am. Deal with it, or stick it. I don’t have to deal with the lies any more. I may not be good enough for you, but there is someone who loves me unconditionally. Flaws and all. Someone who never once expected my perfection. Only my obedience. Someone who despite the fact I hung HIM on the cross to die, still forgave me of my sins. That someone’s name is JESUS CHRIST. HE will never tell me I am not good enough. HE will never say that I deserve nothing because I am nothing. HE will never hurt or belittle me for my short comings. HE loves me….for me. Not because I am perfect. And HE loves you for you. Please, feel free to comment you displeasure at me proclaiming my love for JESUS and HIS love for you. But HE does. And you don’t have to become good enough, you are good enough.

I know, that nearly every person that is reading this knows exactly what I am talking about. Someone out there has told you that you are not good enough for whatever reason. It may have even been me without realizing it. But here’s the thing. Guess what, you are good enough in the eyes of the LORD. HE loves you, even if you feel no one else does.

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Read number one…..Do you want that to be one of your regrets?