I Just…..Can’t

I know what you are thinking, the never tiring statement “Can’t never could” But you don’t know me. Don’t act like you do. I can almost guarantee that you don’t. There are somethings I just can’t do. Not that I won’t do, but I cannot do. As in, I do not possess the ability to do. 

I am the stereotypical college student. I have next to zero money, and very little leisure time (which is somewhat of a good thing because then I don’t have to reflect on how little money I have). Thus, I cannot “go out” on any given weekend. Instead, I must save in order to ensure I can pay next semester’s term bill, which will be considerably higher than this semester’s. Does this fact make me feel insignificant? By no means does it. And this little fun fact is not the reason I am writing this post.

As stated, I am a college student. Thus, I am a college aged person *surprised gasp*. Seriously though, I am a young adult supposedly in the prime of my life….or so I am told. In truth, my body hurts like an elderly person’s body. This is what so few actually know about me. Even though I am in pain almost constantly, I make it a point to hide the fact. I have arthritis in my left hip from a fall off of my horse three years ago. I try so hard not to limp, or to grunt and groan when I have to get up. Paint on a smile and bear it. I even try not to complain. Usually only one (or two) people even know I am in pain to begin with. I don’t broadcast it, just stay silent.

This is why, my friends, there are things that I just simply cannot do. In my youth, I enjoyed riding my horse (yes, the same one I fell off of). Just before the fall, I had gotten to the point that I quit even using a saddle. I rode bareback as long as I wasn’t at a show. It was those moments when it was just Pepper and I in the fields that I truly felt at peace (This was before I met JESUS and knew the everlasting peace HE brings). The fall ruined everything. To start with, it was nothing. A little pain, sometimes my hip would cramp up, but nothing I couldn’t handle. It gradually got worse, and before I knew it, I was grounded. Off my horse. I cannot ride anymore. Well, rephrase that, I can ride, but then I can barely walk the next day. Generally, unless I know one hundred percent that I will not be doing anything the next day, I don’t ride. I’ve given up my love. I talk about my horse nearly 24/7. People naturally assume I still ride. When asked after I returned to school from break if I rode my horse, I simply said no. Offered no explanation. Not that I really wanted to. When asked why, I simply responded that I didn’t get around to it. I know those that asked knew I was holding something back, but I didn’t want to go into more detail. 

It breaks my heart that I just can’t. That I can’t walk outside in the cold without gritting my teeth. That I can’t enjoy the ride like I used to. That I must take the elevator instead of the stairs. You see…..I just can’t. But that’s the problem with this entire post. It’s all about me. Earlier I mentioned that all of this occurred before I met JESUS. Now let me tell you what has happened since I have met JESUS. I am still in pain. In fact, it seems to be getting worse, but I don’t walk alone. I walk with JESUS. On days that I have such a hard time getting out of bed, I humbly ask that JESUS help me up, that I cannot afford a day to stick to bed rest. Then does the pain go away, no it doesn’t, but I have a new found strength to continue. I have a rock to stand on when all other ground is sinking sand. I have hurt so much for so long, but JESUS has given me hope that it won’t be this way for long. That soon, HE is coming to get HIS people, and soon pain will no longer exist in this world. SOON, I will be free from every attempt satan has made to get me to stay down. satan doesn’t know who he’s dealing with, he’s got a girl that’s more stubborn than a mule, and a GOD that has already won the battle. The fight for victory is over for those that are saved. For us, we fight from victory, the victory over death which JESUS conquered the day he rose from the dead. 




3 thoughts on “I Just…..Can’t

  1. I know why you Posted it Vivian, and feeling sorry for yourself is just not you but we all need to know others care and to ask for their prayers. I too have chronic Arthritis but I’m much older than you and so my body is wearing out faster but like you I soar, Jesus lifts me up, I will pray for you Vivian and ask you to pray for me.

    Blessings – Anne

  2. Feeling sorry for yourself is just not you, I know why you Posted it Vivian, we all need to know others care and to ask for their prayers. I too have chronic Arthritis but I’m much older than you and so my body is wearing out faster but like you I soar, Jesus lifts me up, I will pray for you Vivian and ask you to pray for me.

    Blessings – Anne

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