Exactly that, I am done crying. Most of my life, I have coward in a corner waiting for the pain to stop. Waiting for someone to rescue me. Crying myself to sleep at night. Fearing the dark. Fearing what was waiting for me once my eyes were closed. I am done crying. Done. Period. This is me taking a step in my faith. Telling the world I am done relying on old habits to get me through, it is high time I learn to rely fully on GOD!!
Now, before you go making conclusions, let me assure you that I do not find anything wrong with tears. Tears are not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you are not afraid to show that you are hurt. I am not just done crying, I am done being hurt. There is no point in wallowing in your own self pity. You will get no where. People will hurt you in some form or fashion. There is no way around that. You cannot control who, or what, will hurt you, but you can control your reaction. Yes, it is perfectly okay to curl up under the covers and cry for a little while. At some point, you will have to come out and face the world. You will have to face what hurt you, but you can be made stronger. That is why, I am choosing to be done with crying. I am done with my past. I am not saying that I will “forget” my past, but that I am done with it. I won’t cry over it anymore.
Instead, I chose to follow GOD. I chose to focus my attention on GOD rather than on my past. I chose to forgive those individuals that hurt me so badly so many years ago. I chose to be different. I chose to follow in GOD’s path. GOD will never fail me. HE will never fail you. HE will never fail anyone. HE will love us unconditionally forever.
I spent today over at a lovely friend’s house. We talked, laughed, danced, and played with my friend’s toddler. I was also told on several occasions that our conversions should not be posted to Facebook. However, I will publish one here, because it had great significance to me. I will also refer to my friend from here on out as Jane. Jane was telling me about possibly going to visit her sister because of a discount boot store and her sister’s horses. I believe she may have been hinting for me to go as well…but then she said something “Would it bother you to watch others ride?” I answered honestly, “No.” and again, followed my old habit of not offering explanation. “No” was the honest answer. It doesn’t bother me to watch others ride. In fact, I love it. I love watching others enjoy something that I used to find complete joy in. But there was another lesson here. One I had to think about to realize, and it really has very little to do with this conversion, but more to do with my hip that doesn’t allow me to ride like I used to.
After Jane dropped me off back at my dorm, I began to think again to myself. Why me? Why on earth was it me? As stated in previous posts, I have arthritis in my hip. There are times where I am pretty bitter about it. I just want it to stop; however, today, when I was tromping around in my own self sorrow. I trapped myself in my own thoughts of “why can I just not do for myself?” and “Why can I just not run?” Then, the answer became clear. GOD is continuing to teach me. If my hip didn’t hurt so often, I would not call on him to carry me out through the day. I would not thank HIM for the days that walking is easier. I wouldn’t praise HIM for being able to make it up the stairs. If it wasn’t for my hip, I never would have learned to rely completely on HIM as much as I do. GOD is showing me that HE is there for me in all aspects of life. HE is there for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The world has stopped
You can’t hear me screaming.
You don’t hear me dying.
I am screaming
Pulling my hair and screaming
Filling the void with my screaming
Tearing at the carpet
Nothing left but screams
The emptiness I feel inside is only blotted by screams.
Yet no one hears.
No one cares.
The world just keeps spinning
I will keep screaming.
I wrote this in response to the old emotions that creep up on me at times. The emotions I used to feel….or rather didn’t. I was a shell before I met JESUS. A good for nothing shell of a girl who once was but never is. I did so much as a kid. I was in every 4-H club my county would offer. I went to Washington D.C. twice for different leadership conferences. I even went to China for the Global Young Leaders Conference (yeah that is nice to have on a resume). I won so many awards and certificates.On the outside, I was the girl who had everything when in truth I had nothing. The poorest man on earth had more than I did. I was so blind…..so blind. I hated the world and everything in it, determined to prove that I was more than just a silly, farm girl. Prove it i did. I prove daily that I am stronger than most females my age. I prove daily that I can hold my own without anyone, that I am independent. I could have proved that I was worth something and still have been nothing. That was what I was…..nothing. No matter how hard I worked, I knew what I was. I knew that my inner soul would continue to scream just to fill the void that was nothing. That void became my normal. I learned to live around it, so it didn’t consume my very being. Or so I thought. I know now that the void was continuing to eat away at me. I just thought that screaming would fill the void. In fact, the screaming was just my soul’s way to show I needed more, to make me ache for something that would stop my neverending pain. That something came on October 2, 2012. I met JESUS that day. My soul stopped screaming. I suppose it really knew all along that JESUS was what I really needed in my life. So let me ask you, are you sick of screaming? Because JESUS can hear you. HE can hear your every demand. Your every yearning. Even when the world turns its back on you HE will leave you.