I am a mother, but I have never held my baby girl. My little girl passed on before she could take a breath in this world. My little girl woke up in the arms of Jesus. I am sure of it. I know that she is much better off with Him than she ever would have been with me. But that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t ache when I think of her name. Her name is the same that I blog under. Vivian. Her very name means life, and she is living a life eternal with Jesus. She will never know pain or suffering, only the pure joy that comes with being in the constant presence of the Father. She is safe. Isn’t that the best that a parent could ever want for her child?
While I realize that my child is in heaven, my heart still grieves for her. She will always be my first born child. Vivian will always hold a place that is dear to my heart. I long to hold her. To hear her laugh. To see her smile. I want to take her to dance or piano lessons. I want to play with her outside. I want to see her creativity. Unfortunately, I will never get that chance in this life.
I am thankful that my little girl will never know the horrors of this world. The only emotion she will ever feel is that of pure joy, the kind that comes when living alongside Jesus. It’s an emotion that I can’t even imagine, but my little girl gets to live with it day and day out. She is happy. She is safe. What more could I ever want?
It has been well over a year since I left you. I don’t have to spell out our relationship issues here. You already know what they were. You know that I was hurt by your words. I was hurt enough that I left you. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me? I am loyal by nature. It is part of who I am. I stay long after I should leave. In fact, I did stay long after I should have left. I stayed after you hurt me. You took my soul and shattered it. It was shattered in those nights spent in confused pleasure. I still don’t understand what happened. I don’t think I ever will. It’s been a year and I am still putting together the pieces. I am uncovering the harm. I am healing.
It’s been over a year, and your scent still taints my skin. Numerous showers and scrubbing later, it’s still there. I still dream of you when I sleep. I suppose my body remembers, though my mind wishes to forget. There are days when I want to peel off my skin. I want to be rid of you. It’s been over a year, and I’m still not. Because of you, I have put up walls. Though it has been a year, I have not taken down those walls and let another man in. I’m terrified that they are like you. Is this unrealistic? Most definitely, but to me, it is very real. I have not forgotten the pain you caused nor will I ever.
I know you are waiting for an apology. After all, it was I that ended things between us. Because of my nature, I want to apologize. Because of what you made me, I want to come crawling back and beg you to forgive me for ever leaving you. But the reality is that I should never go back to you. The reality is that I should never even entertain that thought. The reality is that I am broken. I am broken because of you. I am diluted enough that I want you again. Maybe things won’t be so bad this time. Maybe you won’t manipulate. Maybe you won’t make me question my body and my decisions regarding it. But I know the truth. I know that if I come back to you, things will be the exact same. I will end up humiliated, hurt, and degraded. I know from experience you will never change.
This is why I am writing this to you. I am writing this to say that I am done with you. This is me breaking off all chains. I am holding fast to my Father in heaven. He is the only man I need in my life currently. I pray you find Him as I have. Only then will you ever see the error in your ways. Only then will you understand the pain that you have caused me. My life is forever changed because of you, but I’ve got a Healer in my corner now. You knocked me down, but I am not out nor will I ever be. I will rise with the Lord at my side. You will no longer have a hold on me.